Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
