I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
