i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
