on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
