Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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