Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
