i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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