I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
