I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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