He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
