I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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