I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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