blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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