Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
