I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
