I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
