Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have fence marks all over my body
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
