I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
