Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
