We won't sleep together?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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