just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
