im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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