i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
