Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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