Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
