Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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