Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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