So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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