Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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