textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
