I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Randomize
