i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
