I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
