this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
