My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
