She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
