my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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