Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
