As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well I just put wine in my tea
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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