I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
