Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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