you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I could fuck to npr.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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