I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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