Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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