Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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