I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
