saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
