Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
