i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
