please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
